Living in Deceipt

I've actively walked the Healer's journey for almost 2 decades and I’m angry. Deceit carries an awful punch. Hits you in the gut. Or even worse, it tears a hole in your heart. Well, I’m 50 years old now and I’ve seen my share of pain and sorrow. Sometimes it feels like I’ve seen more than my share of deceit.

Deceit is a way of hiding, sometimes intentional and calculated – other times just inconsiderate neglect. “I didn’t know you’d care,” she said to me after telling me she was not comfortable bringing her two-year-old into my home. Didn’t know what the babe might see. She seemed astounded that such a revelation might hurt my feelings.

But that was years ago and I’ve moved on. I’m wondering if there will come a time when moving on is not required? Is it possible, I ask myself, to find a community to trust and be trusted by?

Really, I just want to be witnessed in all my strengths and weaknesses. And, I want to be held and cherished. By a man, sure, but I’m talking about a truly supportive community. I want a community that will accept me for who and what I am. I’m willing to do the same for them.

You see, I have this ancestral memory of times and places where this happened. I know what it feels like in my bones. It feels wonderful, whole, free, enlivening, inspiring and juicy. And it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced here in this lifetime. I keep searching and searching, like a homing pigeon longing for its perch. Why is it so illusive?

It seems to me that if I wasn’t suppose to experience it here in this lifetime, I wouldn’t have such a keen memory of it. For most of my life a part of me has always been looking for home. I have this image of finding it and metaphorically running naked through the neighborhood singing freedom songs.

Until then, I just keep those songs tucked away out of sight. Then I get irritated when someone doesn’t know I sing. And a little light of clarity opens. If I want to be seen, I must first show myself. I’ve got to show up.

I’ve convinced myself that I live in a high degree of integrity. I know my purpose. I follow it. I offer myself to my community. Ya da, ya da, ya da. It’s really just so much bull and rhetoric.

What I show and what I share is certainly authentic to who I am. But honestly, I only show a drop of who I am. Well, this isn’t homeopathy! I’m a powerful woman and healer. This tiny drop I offer is a fucking insult when it comes down to it. I offer a drop to a thirsty world.

I’ve been afraid to offer more. I’ve lack the courage to step up and say, “look who I am!” But people can feel it. They sense more and they know that I’m hiding. So, they simply feel let down or left out.

It’s understandable, my hiding. I’m an intuitive healer. I talk to ghosts and fairies. I dream the past. I step between the worlds for training and guidance. People are as likely to want to run from me as they are to want a piece of me. There’s little understanding of my skills in this world now. Hiding seems a reasonable course of action. Hiding seems wise.

But that brings me back to my question. If I am to hide who I am, why do I have such a longing to reveal it and be witnessed? I’ve come to a place where the pain of holding myself back has become greater than the fear of being rejected, persecuted or banished. It’s time to come out of my “safe” familiar closet.

I fully intend to walk into the supportive community by being naked and singing at the top of my voice. I mean that metaphorically, of course. But as it’s time for revelations I admit I love being naked and singing as loud as I want to. (I’m quite happy doing that in private.)

I have often heard that if you want to attract a lover, you must be the lover you want to attract. I’ll follow that principle here. I want an open and supportive community, so I will be an open and supportive person. And if you don't like it, step aside. I feel certain that others are heading my way in the hopes of finding me

Hope in Times of Economic Challenge

As a Healer I've never felt more needed. Things look pretty serious these days. Lots of people losing their jobs, retail sales are down, the healthcare system in America leaves most of us behind. Doom and gloom and fear peppered with the usual rhetoric from spin doctors seems to surround us. And, it's contagious! But... so is hope and creativity and caring.

As 2010 dawns I find myself very hopeful. Maybe it's because so many people made choices around the holiday season that were actually truer to both themselves and to the season. In contrast to other recent years, this year I heard significantly less complaints about the stress of getting everything done and meeting everyone else's expectation. Instead I heard about people making gifts and choosing to spend time closer to home. My clients overall reported having low key and relaxing holidays. I had only two clients come in in crisis. That's never happened in my 10 years as a bodyworker and spiritual healer. My client load usually goes up at the holiday season because of the associated stress.

You might be thinking, "Who can afford such things in this economic environment?"

I did see a somewhat alarming decrease in clients the week surrounding Thanksgiving. But my December client load followed the patterns of the rest of 2009. And really, I'm not talking about the number of clients. I'm reflecting on the relative stress level and emotional wellbeing of my clients in comparison with other years. So what's it all about?

I suggest it might just be that the economic hardships that at some level are hitting most of us, require us to evaluate what we do with our resources and how we live with the consequences of those choices. Could it be that this year we all had a really good excuse to stop going overboard at the holidays? Did it allow us to say "no" to things we've wanted to say "no" to all along? Did staying closer to home and spending quality time with our loved ones become an easier choice for us?

Yes, times are uncertain. The up side of that is we have an incredible opportunity to take a good look at how we walk in the world and to discern what's really necessary. And it gives us a glimpse into the true cost of the usual holiday madness, specifically the cost to our hearts and our souls. It also gives us extra motivation to stretch our creative muscles and to stop long enough to ask the important questions - and hopefully to begin to answer them.

In my heart, hope prevails. I, like anyone else, have days when I wonder what's going to happen and how much control I'll have - moments when I slip into fear. But I express them to close friends and let them hold me in my fear for a bit. It passes when I take a positive action to make my life better. That's when hope returns and when my heart is filled with gratitude for the friends and the resources that I have.

My friend Janis is "Going Zen in 2010". I think I'll join her.