Living in Deceipt

I've actively walked the Healer's journey for almost 2 decades and I’m angry. Deceit carries an awful punch. Hits you in the gut. Or even worse, it tears a hole in your heart. Well, I’m 50 years old now and I’ve seen my share of pain and sorrow. Sometimes it feels like I’ve seen more than my share of deceit.

Deceit is a way of hiding, sometimes intentional and calculated – other times just inconsiderate neglect. “I didn’t know you’d care,” she said to me after telling me she was not comfortable bringing her two-year-old into my home. Didn’t know what the babe might see. She seemed astounded that such a revelation might hurt my feelings.

But that was years ago and I’ve moved on. I’m wondering if there will come a time when moving on is not required? Is it possible, I ask myself, to find a community to trust and be trusted by?

Really, I just want to be witnessed in all my strengths and weaknesses. And, I want to be held and cherished. By a man, sure, but I’m talking about a truly supportive community. I want a community that will accept me for who and what I am. I’m willing to do the same for them.

You see, I have this ancestral memory of times and places where this happened. I know what it feels like in my bones. It feels wonderful, whole, free, enlivening, inspiring and juicy. And it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced here in this lifetime. I keep searching and searching, like a homing pigeon longing for its perch. Why is it so illusive?

It seems to me that if I wasn’t suppose to experience it here in this lifetime, I wouldn’t have such a keen memory of it. For most of my life a part of me has always been looking for home. I have this image of finding it and metaphorically running naked through the neighborhood singing freedom songs.

Until then, I just keep those songs tucked away out of sight. Then I get irritated when someone doesn’t know I sing. And a little light of clarity opens. If I want to be seen, I must first show myself. I’ve got to show up.

I’ve convinced myself that I live in a high degree of integrity. I know my purpose. I follow it. I offer myself to my community. Ya da, ya da, ya da. It’s really just so much bull and rhetoric.

What I show and what I share is certainly authentic to who I am. But honestly, I only show a drop of who I am. Well, this isn’t homeopathy! I’m a powerful woman and healer. This tiny drop I offer is a fucking insult when it comes down to it. I offer a drop to a thirsty world.

I’ve been afraid to offer more. I’ve lack the courage to step up and say, “look who I am!” But people can feel it. They sense more and they know that I’m hiding. So, they simply feel let down or left out.

It’s understandable, my hiding. I’m an intuitive healer. I talk to ghosts and fairies. I dream the past. I step between the worlds for training and guidance. People are as likely to want to run from me as they are to want a piece of me. There’s little understanding of my skills in this world now. Hiding seems a reasonable course of action. Hiding seems wise.

But that brings me back to my question. If I am to hide who I am, why do I have such a longing to reveal it and be witnessed? I’ve come to a place where the pain of holding myself back has become greater than the fear of being rejected, persecuted or banished. It’s time to come out of my “safe” familiar closet.

I fully intend to walk into the supportive community by being naked and singing at the top of my voice. I mean that metaphorically, of course. But as it’s time for revelations I admit I love being naked and singing as loud as I want to. (I’m quite happy doing that in private.)

I have often heard that if you want to attract a lover, you must be the lover you want to attract. I’ll follow that principle here. I want an open and supportive community, so I will be an open and supportive person. And if you don't like it, step aside. I feel certain that others are heading my way in the hopes of finding me

Deep Deep Woman

"I am a woman, a deep deep woman, my memory goes so far." - Jana Runnalls

An epiphany today!

My work as a Healer and psychic feels authentic, gives me life, and fulfills my purpose. So why do I struggle with putting it out into the world?

I haven't claimed my voice.

It's not that I don't speak my truth. It's more that I have been trying to be available to as many people as possible and to that end I have used many voices. All the voices are a true piece of me - nothing false in the voices. Yet I have not used the voice that is uniquely, richly and deeply mine. Without that voice I have little power to magnetize those who will be drawn to my work.

Here's the thing: I know that voice and oh, do I love it. The woman who speaks with this voice is oh so juicy and wise. She knows her worth and power and joy. And, you know what? I am delighted to let her speak.

So why hasn't she?

I, like many others, have a genetic memory of healers and psychics being persecuted. It's a useful memory. But today, I realized that the fear of persecution and all the "hiding" or making oneself small so as not to be seen is painful and restrictive. It does not help or serve me. I am no longer willing to live in this place. I prefer to risk the persecution if it means I can live a more expansive and passionate life.

Today, I decide to birth my unique, rich and deeply authentic me. I hold her in openness and compassion. So happy birthday to me!

In my early twenties I wrote a song about finding my life partner. It goes something like this:

"Faces upon faces, which one is the one? Where will my love lie?
Where is tomorrow and the joy that it brings? Where will my love lie?

I need someone to stand by my side, someone to love and protect me.
I need respect for my mind and a space I can grow in.

I need a love that's forever, binding and unrestricting."

"Voices upon voices" could be inserted so this song reflects a truer quest: the quest for the love, who lies within me. Accessing this unique, rich and deeply authentic self allows me a safety, comfort and passion I can only imagine without her. I get shivers of delight when I consider the kind of partner she will draw to herself.

Today, I choose to birth this self and to walk through the doorway of commitment to embrace my fullness. On this glorious winter day Grandmother Moon shines her blessing on the emerging me. I thank her and you, the reader, for being my witnesses. May you also witness your own rich, unique and deeply authentic self.

Blessings, Coleen